How do I want to show up in a world with unlimited and unbridled confidence? That is a very hard question. I have a hard enough time thinking of what I actually want and need, let alone what I want the rest of my life to look like. Tonight's task was just that. So as I thought about it, here's what I imagine:
Every morning I would wake up and believe there is a purpose and a plan for the day. Instead of dreading the battles to come I would anticipate the challenges and opportunities for growth that will definitely come while simultaneously resting in the truth. The truth that in those challenges I have already won the victory and that even the pain that accompanies the growth will be used for a purpose both in my life and the life of others.
Upon rising and preparing for the day I would come into the presence of My Father who knows what is to come and has already given me what I need to find victory. I can rest in the peace provided and the knowledge that even in an endless storm the anchor He provides tethers me to a greater story. In the overflow of His love and provision I enter into the world ready to move closer to the values He has given me. I will be authentic and open, willing to enter into the lives of others in a way that has appropriate boundaries and intentionality to bring what I can to the relationship. My presence, while staying focused on what is mine to give versus mine to keep, enhances the lives of those I am blessed to interact with.
In the professional arena I will continue to be an active learner allowing new information to be held up to the truth that I know. I will be in tune to the thoughts and words of others, holding on to what is true and releasing what isn't. Giving up what is true when it is no longer serving me. Realizing that some things don't need to be internalized for eternity. As a servant of health in all facets of life I will encourage the people brought into my circle to be the best version of the person they were created to be. Reminding them of the truths that exist outside of feelings, thoughts, and actions of themselves and others. Challenging and supporting them as they discover truth and healing.
As a friend, daughter, sister, aunt, etc. I will be my genuine self, not measuring who I am against anything other than who I am in Christ and who he has called me to be. I will be true to the idea that who I am is enough and that the acceptance of me is not determined by what I do or morph into but instead is the subjective choice of another person. My value and worth is not dependent on the acceptance by others or who chooses to enter into a relationship with me. I will continue to serve with love those I love because I love them, not because it brings me anything.
I will be comfortable in my skin so that when the opportunity to become a girlfriend/wife arises I will be (reasonably) scared but also know that their validation does not determine my worth and that any step towards marriage is one to learn and grow and not one where I take on another role I have to earn and keep. I will feel confident in who I am and not give up what I value to get someone's affection and love. I will allow the characteristics that make me Hannah be lived fully and with intentionality to live to my purpose and values. I will see my boyfriend/husband as another imperfect human who was not created to be my everything but instead was created in God's image to bring him glory and as my husband to be my leader, protector, and other half. Our lives though united are separate and the pieces we bring to the table don't define each of us but instead enhances each other.
As I continue to work on being who I have been called to be I will give myself grace and compassion. Understanding I will never get it right 100% of the time but knowing I'm always moving towards that person. I will take care of my physical body by feeding it when it needs fuel with food that furthers the best health for m y body. I will move with the intention of bringing peace to a body born to move. I will increase my strength and endurance so that I can be fully present in the lives of those I love and the endeavors they pursue. Mentally and emotionally I will allow the feelings to come organically without trying to numb out, stuff them, or otherwise modify their authenticity. Once present I will work through them, not ruminating without purpose but instead noticing what they are pointing out, hold them up against truth, and then acting (or not acting) accordingly. By allowing feelings to come freely I will give them space to be who they are while understanding they have a purpose and knowing that inhibiting them will only only turn a wave into a tsunami. I will be aware of the thoughts sometimes bouncing but often racing through my head. Choosing to not cherish each one but instead acknowledging them and giving them room to be what they are without the compulsion to retain each one. I will be able to pick out the snowflakes before they become an avalanche. Enabling me to see the complex and beautiful mind I have been given and further allowing it to grow and mature with insight all brought captive to the throne of Christ.
In my spiritual life I will think, feel, and act based on the truth of the gospel and who I am in Christ. Putting my truth into action. I will regard myself as I am positionally covered in the righteousness of Christ, justified by His death on the cross, chosen and adopted by the Father to live eternally in communion with Him. My life will no longer be held up against a twisted version of the cross as a ruler but instead will be lived out of the grace and mercy afforded me by God. I will live as the new creation I was made into and I will remember that He asks me to be still and know without striving.
Part of the challenge of establishing needs and wants in my personal life is that it automatically sets an expectation or creates a sense of hopefulness. Those are scary things in the life of someone who hasn't quite gained the growth to put into practice the fact that it is okay for not every expectation to be met and that it is edifying to have hope in the darkness. Hope can feel crippling when the dreams you have long held don't seem to be coming to fruition or in some ways even moving in that direction. It becomes the precursor to despair. How to hold both things simultaneously becomes another challenge in what seems to be an endless chain of challenge by choice.
Where I hope this takes me is a place of cause and effect. If this is what I desire my life to look like at some unspecified time in the future (I'm good with now) then what do I need to set my gaze upon and set as my intention to enter into this space? What themes are throughout the tapestry I hope the threads of my life are weaving? Once discovered my job would be to make decisions and choices based upon those themes. In a way this is similar to the modality of therapy that I have been introduced to called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). In this philosophy I have chosen values upon which I want my life to be based. When a decision comes up, big or small, I ask myself does this choice bring me closer to my values or farther away. The idea being that if I can always be moving towards my values, then I am being my authentic self. In this way setting an intention for the coming year and already having values in place would work together simultaneously to ensure forward momentum towards the wholeness I am working toward.
Being intentional isn't easy. Mindfully choosing to make choices that don't feel possible or even good at times is a difficult journey to start. As I have chosen to undertake this journey it has been with the acknowledgement that I am going to be uncomfortable. I am going to be in pain. I will be worse before I will be better. There are more questions than answers right now and for me that may be the hardest thing of all. However, my choice to show up every day and do the things that will eventually produce results I can see and feel is my moment to moment goal. My intention, in more than a word, is to continue to show up and hope by showing up that my healthy self will step up and when it has my true self will show out.
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