What if?

How do I want to show up in a world with unlimited and unbridled confidence?  That is a very hard question.  I have a hard enough time thinking of what I actually want and need, let alone what I want the rest of my life to look like.  Tonight's task was just that.  So as I thought about it, here's what I imagine:

Every morning I would wake up and believe there is a purpose and a plan for the day.  Instead of dreading the battles to come I would anticipate the challenges and opportunities for growth that will definitely come while simultaneously resting in the truth.  The truth that in those challenges I have already won the victory and that even the pain that accompanies the growth will be used for a purpose both in my life and the life of others. 

Upon rising and preparing for the day I would come into the presence of My Father who knows what is to come and has already given me what I need to find victory.  I can rest in the peace provided and the knowledge that even in an endless storm the anchor He provides tethers me to a greater story.  In the overflow of His love and provision I enter into the world ready to move closer to the values He has given me.  I will be authentic and open, willing to enter into the lives of others in a way that has appropriate boundaries and intentionality to bring what I can to the relationship.  My presence, while staying focused on what is mine to give versus mine to keep, enhances the lives of those I am blessed to interact with. 

In the professional arena I will continue to be an active learner allowing new information to be held up to the truth that I know.  I will be in tune to the thoughts and words of others, holding on to what is true and releasing what isn't.  Giving up what is true when it is no longer serving me.  Realizing that some things don't need to be internalized for eternity.  As a servant of health in all facets of life I will encourage the people brought into my circle to be the best version of the person they were created to be.  Reminding them of the truths that exist outside of feelings, thoughts, and actions of themselves and others.  Challenging and supporting them as they discover truth and healing. 

As a friend, daughter, sister, aunt, etc. I will be my genuine self, not measuring who I am against anything other than who I am in Christ and who he has called me to be.  I will be true to the idea that who I am is enough and that the acceptance  of me is not determined by what I do or morph into but instead is the subjective choice of another person.  My value and worth is not dependent on the acceptance by others or who chooses to enter into a relationship with me.  I will continue to serve with love those I love because I love them, not because it brings me anything. 

I will be comfortable in my skin so that when the opportunity to become a girlfriend/wife arises I will be (reasonably) scared but also know that their validation does not determine my worth and that any step towards marriage is one to learn and grow and not one where I take on another role I have to earn and keep.  I will feel confident in who I am and not give up what I value to get someone's affection and love.  I will allow the characteristics that make me Hannah be lived fully and with intentionality to live to my purpose and values.  I will see my boyfriend/husband as another imperfect human who was not created to be my everything but instead was created in God's image to bring him glory and as my husband to be my leader, protector, and other half.  Our lives though united are separate and the pieces we bring to the table don't define each of us but instead enhances each other.

As I continue to work on being who I have been called to be I will give myself grace and compassion.  Understanding I will never get it right 100% of the time but knowing I'm always moving towards that person.  I will take care of my physical body by feeding it when it needs fuel with food that furthers the best health for m y body.  I will move with the intention of bringing peace to a body born to move.  I will increase my strength and endurance so that I can be fully present in the lives of those I love and the endeavors they pursue.  Mentally and emotionally I will allow the feelings to come organically without trying to numb out, stuff them, or otherwise modify their authenticity.  Once present I will work through them, not ruminating without purpose but instead noticing what they are pointing out, hold them up against truth, and then acting (or not acting) accordingly.  By allowing feelings to come freely I will give them space to be who they are while understanding they have a purpose and knowing that inhibiting them will only only turn a wave into a tsunami.  I will be aware of the thoughts sometimes bouncing but often racing through my head.  Choosing to not cherish each one but instead acknowledging them and giving them room to be what they are without the compulsion to retain each one.  I will be able to pick out the snowflakes before they become an avalanche.  Enabling me to see the complex and beautiful mind I have been given and further allowing it to grow and mature with insight all brought captive to the throne of Christ.

In my spiritual life I will think, feel, and act based on the truth of the gospel and who I am in Christ.  Putting my truth into action.  I will regard myself as I am positionally covered in the righteousness of Christ, justified by His death on the cross, chosen and adopted by the Father to live eternally in communion with Him.  My life will no longer be held up against a twisted version of the cross as a ruler but instead will be lived out of the grace and mercy afforded me by God.  I will live as the new creation I was made into and I will remember that He asks me to be still and know without striving.

Part of the challenge of establishing needs and wants in my personal life is that it automatically sets an expectation or creates a sense of hopefulness.  Those are scary things in the life of someone who hasn't quite gained the growth to put into practice the fact that it is okay for not every expectation to be met and that it is edifying to have hope in the darkness.  Hope can feel crippling when the dreams you have long held don't seem to be coming to fruition or in some ways even moving in that direction.  It becomes the precursor to despair.  How to hold both things simultaneously becomes another challenge in what seems to be an endless chain of challenge by choice. 

Where I hope this takes me is a place of cause and effect.  If this is what I desire my life to look like at some unspecified time in the future (I'm good with now) then what do I need to set my gaze upon and set as my intention to enter into this space?  What themes are throughout the tapestry I hope the threads of my life are weaving?  Once discovered my job would be to make decisions and choices based upon those themes.  In a way this is similar to the modality of therapy that I have been introduced to called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).  In this philosophy I have chosen values upon which I want my life to be based.  When a decision comes up, big or small, I ask myself does this choice bring me closer to my values or farther away.  The idea being that if I can always be moving towards my values, then I am being my authentic self.  In this way setting an intention for the coming year and already having values in place would work together simultaneously to ensure forward momentum towards the wholeness I am working toward.

Being intentional isn't easy.  Mindfully choosing to make choices that don't feel possible or even good at times is a difficult journey to start.  As I have chosen to undertake this journey it has been with the acknowledgement that I am going to be uncomfortable.  I am going to be in pain.  I will be worse before I will be better.  There are more questions than answers right now and for me that may be the hardest thing of all.  However, my choice to show up every day and do the things that will eventually produce results I can see and feel is my moment to moment goal.  My intention, in more than a word, is to continue to show up and hope by showing up that my healthy self will step up and when it has my true self will show out.

In this Generation

I watched part of Lois Evans funeral tonight and was blown away by many things but the one that I’m prayerfully making my focus right now is Acts 13:36:

““For David, after he had served the purpose of God in his own generation, fell asleep...”

I’ve read the book of Acts before and passed right over this verse but it fell on me fresh tonight as I thought that this is what the goal of my heart is.  To be someone who served the purpose of God in my generation until He calls me home.

I know full well that to live his purpose doesn’t guarantee a life of ease and a smooth path.  In fact, my every day life experience thus far proves that His plans for me involve something very difficult and fraught with pitfalls.  However, He has brought me safe through every storm so far and with every wave that has knocked the breath from my body He has breathed new life into my soul.  I may lose that new breath rather quickly as I take my eyes off of Him amidst the storm but he is faithful and continues to breathe when I cannot.   

I wish this was one of those posts where I could say I already did the thing and this is how others can find victory too.  It’s not. It’s a I fall flat on my face most days, dragged down by chronic depression that is choosing to be med resistant currently, an eating disorder that makes me question every day am I going to have to fight to eat today or fight to stop eating today, never ending questions like why have I chosen to give up everything in my life and change it all, bone deep grief over the loss of relationships, perceived identity, and purpose, and struggling to put one foot in front of the other.  BUT GOD!  

He is the anchor to my windswept soul, the bread of life to my hungry heart, my portion when food is never enough, the light to my dark and winding path, the wonderful counselor who holds me in my mourning, my truth and my identity, my beginning and my end, and the one who lifts my soul from the pit and gives me hinds feet so that I may scale the rocky cliffs.  

Lord, may I serve you no matter the path you set me on and may I be reminded that you will use this (yes, even this) for your glory and my good.  Give me strength and patience in the waiting and wisdom to apply the armor.  Remind my enemy is not of this world and keep my eyes fixed on you “...the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭12:1-2‬ ‭

Emmanuel: God With Us

Weary?
Emmanuel
He is your rest.

Worried?
Emmanuel
He is your peace.

Wandering?
Emmanuel
He is the way.

Depressed?
Emmanuel
He is your joy.

Disillusioned?
Emmanuel
He is your hope.

Empty?
Emmanuel
He is your portion.

Afraid?
Emmanuel
He is your courage

Weak?
Emmanuel
He is your strength.

Wind tossed?
Emmanuel
He is your anchor.

Attacked?
Emmanuel
He is your shield.

In the Dark?
Emmanuel
He is the light.

Lonely?
Emmanuel
He is with you.

Abandoned?
Emmanuel
He is love.

Dream dead?
Emmanuel
He is the resurrection

Chaotic?
Emmanuel
He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

Guilty?
Emmanuel
He is mercy and salvation.

Unsure?
Emmanuel
He is the wonderful counselor.

Incapable?
Emmanuel
He is all-sufficient

Betrayed?
Emmanuel
He is faithful and true.


God came near, in the form of a baby, so that he could take on the fullness of humanity.  Only in the fullness of humanity AND the fullness of the divine could he become the sacrifice that enabled us to come near to Him.  Emmanuel, God with Us.

Past Blog Posts

I have blogged in the past and thought I would provide a link should anyone want to read what I wrote as far back as 2011.  Here is the link: https://sitstandwalkspinrunninggirl.blogspot.com/

Seasons of Life

I think that anyone who has been on this planet for any length of time can agree that our lives are very much divided up into seasons. Some seasons are pleasant and bring the fulfillment of dreams long held or surprises that light your life with joy. Some seasons are a mixture of addition and subtraction as you are prompted to remove people, places, or things from your life while at the same time adding the new. Then there are the seasons that feel like loss after loss. There is no addition and it seems like there is more subtraction than you thought possible for one life to withstand.

I speak as one in the latter most category as God is actively pruning my life seeking only to keep that which will glorify him. Some of these branches I have willingly submitted to the cut knowing it will bring fresh growth. Some of the branches I have reasoned with and justified the necessity of the branch to the vinedresser, pleading with him for any way I can keep that particular branch because it is comfortable or brings me some kind of joy. Other branches I (in spite of myself) have refused to let him cut off making the eventual pruning all the more painful. I have stood in all kinds of varying emotional and mental states while I watched so much of what I have considered part of me fall onto the threshing floor. Over and over the branches crash to the ground: need to be needed, binge eating to numb emotions, idolatry as those I loved were elevated above God, performance based lifestyle, and so many other things being cleaved away.

The cuts are deep and in some matters the branches still dangle as they have not been completely severed yet I know the final cut is coming. It is difficult (to say the least) for me to be still before God at any time but to be still in the midst of the pruning is all the more excruciating. Do I trust the vinedresser to cut the right branch? Do I trust that he is removing that which would choke the vine and that it will produce new growth? How do I explain to others why it was necessary for THAT particular branch to be cut when it seemed so beautiful and full of life? How do I stand barren and empty before a world watching to see what will grow? What kind of vine am I if I don't have that particular branch?

All of these questions swirl around my mind, increasing my anxiety and depression, and causing physical reactions in my body. I look out and see a world that is very different for me than it was when I started this journey in June. Not much remains of what was. I'm not the person I was. I'm also not the person I will be. Sometimes both of those statements are good and sometimes they are bad. Sometimes I'm happy they are true and sometimes they drive me to my knees. Sometimes I just want two days in a row that look and feel the same. But that isn't my season.

My season is to allow for the pruning. To let God remove me from all that has been familiar these past 10, 20, and even 30 years and to introduce me gradually to the person he created me to be. Thoughts, beliefs, actions, people, jobs, etc. that have been my identity no longer serving me in the way that drives me closer to my values and so they are slowly being removed. Some are permanent and some I pray are temporary but they are losses none the less. I have found myself grieving things I had refused to believe I had lost. I am grieving things I had to choose to give up and I am grieving things that I had no part in their removal. I'm in a period of subtraction and you know what: it will all work out the way God has designed. "He must become greater; I must become less." John 3:30

That is the ONLY thing that keeps me going. That small light far off in the distance. The soft whisper at the start of each day. The gentle caress of my soul that reminds me even in the darkest of nights that there is one who is greater. There is one who was, who is, and who is to come that knows the final destination. It is He who binds my broken heart. It is He who guides my steps. It is He who stands waiting with open arms to hear my sorrow, anger, or joy. It is He who has felt every shred of what I feel and knowingly chose to walk through the pain (and sin not) to the cross so that I might find freedom. Sometimes He comes to me in prayer, sometimes in Scriptures, sometimes in a song, movie, or podcast, and sometimes through the words or actions of a person. Each time it is cool water to a dry and thirsty heart and each time it is a reminder that He who is in me, is greater than he who is in the world.

He can be that for you too my friends. I won't promise it is easy or painless but it is for your good and his glory and He has promised He will finish what he starts. There is no desolation He can't redeem and there is no pain that he can't handle or transform. Nothing that you feel is too strong for him and nothing you think surpasses his transformative power. You can't scare him away and you can't rebel enough for him to abandon you. He always was and always will be. He is the word that is as sharp as a double edged sword and is also the balm of Gilead that can anoint whatever he cuts. He has come to bind the hearts of the broken. No matter how many pieces it broke into. You are his beloved and the apple of his eye.

Whatever season you or I are in, I hope that the truth of who He is as our anchor and the grounding of our soul in a tumultuous and chaotic world renews our spirit moment by moment.