One Woman's Journey Home: December 2019

I think that anyone who has been on this planet for any length of time can agree that our lives are very much divided up into seasons. Some seasons are pleasant and bring the fulfillment of dreams long held or surprises that light your life with joy. Some seasons are a mixture of addition and subtraction as you are prompted to remove people, places, or things from your life while at the same time adding the new. Then there are the seasons that feel like loss after loss. There is no addition and it seems like there is more subtraction than you thought possible for one life to withstand.

I speak as one in the latter most category as God is actively pruning my life seeking only to keep that which will glorify him. Some of these branches I have willingly submitted to the cut knowing it will bring fresh growth. Some of the branches I have reasoned with and justified the necessity of the branch to the vinedresser, pleading with him for any way I can keep that particular branch because it is comfortable or brings me some kind of joy. Other branches I (in spite of myself) have refused to let him cut off making the eventual pruning all the more painful. I have stood in all kinds of varying emotional and mental states while I watched so much of what I have considered part of me fall onto the threshing floor. Over and over the branches crash to the ground: need to be needed, binge eating to numb emotions, idolatry as those I loved were elevated above God, performance based lifestyle, and so many other things being cleaved away.

The cuts are deep and in some matters the branches still dangle as they have not been completely severed yet I know the final cut is coming. It is difficult (to say the least) for me to be still before God at any time but to be still in the midst of the pruning is all the more excruciating. Do I trust the vinedresser to cut the right branch? Do I trust that he is removing that which would choke the vine and that it will produce new growth? How do I explain to others why it was necessary for THAT particular branch to be cut when it seemed so beautiful and full of life? How do I stand barren and empty before a world watching to see what will grow? What kind of vine am I if I don't have that particular branch?

All of these questions swirl around my mind, increasing my anxiety and depression, and causing physical reactions in my body. I look out and see a world that is very different for me than it was when I started this journey in June. Not much remains of what was. I'm not the person I was. I'm also not the person I will be. Sometimes both of those statements are good and sometimes they are bad. Sometimes I'm happy they are true and sometimes they drive me to my knees. Sometimes I just want two days in a row that look and feel the same. But that isn't my season.

My season is to allow for the pruning. To let God remove me from all that has been familiar these past 10, 20, and even 30 years and to introduce me gradually to the person he created me to be. Thoughts, beliefs, actions, people, jobs, etc. that have been my identity no longer serving me in the way that drives me closer to my values and so they are slowly being removed. Some are permanent and some I pray are temporary but they are losses none the less. I have found myself grieving things I had refused to believe I had lost. I am grieving things I had to choose to give up and I am grieving things that I had no part in their removal. I'm in a period of subtraction and you know what: it will all work out the way God has designed. "He must become greater; I must become less." John 3:30

That is the ONLY thing that keeps me going. That small light far off in the distance. The soft whisper at the start of each day. The gentle caress of my soul that reminds me even in the darkest of nights that there is one who is greater. There is one who was, who is, and who is to come that knows the final destination. It is He who binds my broken heart. It is He who guides my steps. It is He who stands waiting with open arms to hear my sorrow, anger, or joy. It is He who has felt every shred of what I feel and knowingly chose to walk through the pain (and sin not) to the cross so that I might find freedom. Sometimes He comes to me in prayer, sometimes in Scriptures, sometimes in a song, movie, or podcast, and sometimes through the words or actions of a person. Each time it is cool water to a dry and thirsty heart and each time it is a reminder that He who is in me, is greater than he who is in the world.

He can be that for you too my friends. I won't promise it is easy or painless but it is for your good and his glory and He has promised He will finish what he starts. There is no desolation He can't redeem and there is no pain that he can't handle or transform. Nothing that you feel is too strong for him and nothing you think surpasses his transformative power. You can't scare him away and you can't rebel enough for him to abandon you. He always was and always will be. He is the word that is as sharp as a double edged sword and is also the balm of Gilead that can anoint whatever he cuts. He has come to bind the hearts of the broken. No matter how many pieces it broke into. You are his beloved and the apple of his eye.

Whatever season you or I are in, I hope that the truth of who He is as our anchor and the grounding of our soul in a tumultuous and chaotic world renews our spirit moment by moment.

One Woman's Journey Home

Wednesday, December 25, 2019

Emmanuel: God With Us

Thursday, December 19, 2019

Past Blog Posts

Seasons of Life